Elegy for a Passing Madness
by Elegant-Lolita
Summary: Legolas certainly has an amazing effect on underage girls who fall into ME. Who would've thought that insanity would be one of them. Tis the classic tale of love, loss, infatuation, and unseemly obsession...perhaps classic isn't right word.
1. My Life Now or Then or Later

Title: Hello and Goodbye  
  
Author: N@talia  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like Tolkien to you? DO I? DO I? Nope, didn't think so. Are some of these people based on real people? Why yes, they are. And if you are one of these people then sorry, but you are interesting.  
  
Author's Note: This is more of a narrative kind of chapter so that you can kind of see the inner workings of the main character's mind. Don't worry, it's not always like this. The content also gets lighter too. No wait, maybe not.  
  
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Two girls sat in the darkened theatre, one of them concentrating intently on the movie screen, the other dozing in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, shrill screams filled the theatre, the intensity causing the room to shake and the walls to crack. The girls looked around in a panic, thinking it was Hurricane Andrew, but no, it was only Hurricane Fangirl. Noticeably annoyed by the sudden interruption in her naptime (which she had paid $9.50 for) one of the two girls grabbed the other girl then ran out of the theatre. Behind them, the theatre collapsed into itself while a flood of drool gushed out of the ruins. Then, a big headed baby flew out of the sky and nuclear war erupted.  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP  
  
The harsh "beeps" that beeped awoke me from my dream. Mumbling a string of curses I hoisted myself out of bed, nearly tripping over a pile of sweaters and loose change. Having safely made it across the death trap that was my room, I turned off the annoying alarm clock and readied myself for a new day. Oh joy.  
  
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Chapter One: My Life Now and Then and Later  
  
The cold morning air had a sobering effect on my drowsy state. Slowly trudging down the little sidewalk I took a sharp turn and magically crossed the imaginary border between school and the outside world. Actually, make that Nazi POW camp and the outside world.  
  
Still, this was my world and this was my life. The cold concrete and asphalt at my feet is the land of the wounded animal known as Los Angeles, and the people around me are the parasites that thrive on the beast's open sores. Excuse me, I'm being cynical and angst ridden again.  
  
Walking a bit further into the mostly empty campus I saw a few of my not-so- good friends, all huddled together like a bunch of hobo's around a flaming trashcan (the hobo's are around the trashcan, not my friends. As I trudged closer, one of them noticed me, and greetings were thrown back and forth like snowballs.  
  
"Morning Kitty!"  
  
"Hi Alex."  
  
"Hi Kat!"  
  
"Hello Melissa."  
  
"Good Morning Kathy!"  
  
"Good Morning Marissa."  
  
What's with the nichnames?!  
  
Having exchanged pleasantries they went back to their huddling. I carefully inched closer, unconsciously pulling my red-streaked "ebony" hair behind my ears. Upon closer inspection I saw that they were all huddled around a collection of Orlando Bloom merchandise: plushies (rather crappily made), pictures, posters, etc. In fact, they were actually playing poker to see who would get to possess all the merchandise. Seeing him, I felt a flood of wistful remorse wash over me, but I kept it all inside. So, instead of lighting their precious memorabilia on fire I just watched them gamble until the bell rang.  
  
Sitting in class, I thought about everything that happened over the last few years. I tend to do that in class. Mr. Lee's words were lost on me; all I heard was a kind of buzzing noise. My "friends", the ones in a so- called "Circle of Trust" said that I had changed somehow. They said that I was a different person. I don't hang out with them anymore. It wasn't just them though, even my oh-so-loving mom noticed a change and took me to a psychiatrist. Turned out that I was suffering from manic depression and a possible case of mild schizophrenia, meaning that the screws in my head were more than a little loose. Still, Mrs. Jones (my shrink) was a nice old lady, the kind of lady that would make a great grandma. She was a very nice old lady. She must have been vegetarian.  
  
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"So basically, I'm insane. Or rather, I went from totally well-adjusted TO insane."  
  
The gray-haired woman smiled sympathetically at me. "No, I'm not saying that you're insane, just. . . unhappy. That's the reason why you're here, so I can help you deal with your, unhappiness."  
  
I guess that's about right. "Well, it's just that life's not so great. Nope. In fact, it just plain sucks. One big world of sucks." Sarcasm dripped off all the words that came out of my mouth.  
  
"So would you like to tell me the source of the problem?" she asked in a patient voice.  
  
I hesitated because quite frankly, no, I don't want to tell her. And, supposing that I DID tell her, she'd think that I'm an even bigger nutcase than I think I am.  
  
"Well... " I pause, thinking about what to say "it all started when I was three... "  
  
Mrs. Jones listened intently as I basically gave her a rather long "synopsis" of my childhood.  
  
From there, the bullshit just kept piling on and on.  
  
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That was about two years ago, when I was a blossoming sixteen year-old, but without the blossoming (if you know what I mean). Now I'm a senior in high school, and I'm pretty much over the whole "manic depression" thing. No really, I am.  
  
The bell rings, and all the students, myself included, file out of the room. Time to find nourishment for the stomach and social stimulation for the mind.  
  
Eve, a member of the "Circle of Trust" (insert dramatic BGM) was waiting for me outside the classroom. She's the only one I still talk to.  
  
"HI KITTY!!!" she practically screamed, even though she was barely three feet away from me.  
  
"Ugh, Eve, my name is not Kitty. It's not Kathy, Kat, Rina or Meow Mix. My name is Katherine Demeo, okay? Say it with me, Katherine Demeo." I said my name very slowly so that it would sink into her brain.  
  
"... yeah, whatever." she shrugged, and I mutter a string of curses under my breath. I do that a lot.  
  
Making it through the crowds of people we finally get to the cafeteria, only to find ourselves in yet another crowd of people: aka the lunch line.  
  
"Hey... " she said mischeviously. "Do you see what I see?" Okay, I really hate it when my friends point him out to me, especially when he's only three feet ahead of me and can probably hear every frigging thing that we say.  
  
"No, I don't." I lie, praying that she will at least spare me the embarrassment of attracting his attention by saying his name out loud.  
  
"You know, //nudge nudge// your dream boy?"  
  
Okay, first off, he's not my dream boy, I'm just seriously infatuated with him. My REAL "dream boy" doesn't even EXIST in this reality!!!  
  
"HEY CHRIS!!!" she yells, and at this point I just want to die.  
  
He turns, and upon seeing us he quickly turns back around. Damn it, someone, just kill me now.  
  
Suddenly, a pack of Siamese dwarfs suddenly ran into the cafeteria wielding giant flame throwers of toasty doom and everyone perished!!! . . . DOOM!!!!  
  
I wish.  
  
No, instead, Chris and I are simply visibly annoyed for different reasons, and he probably thinks I'm even creepier then I was 5 minutes ago.  
  
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He was never real. I have to just accept that and move on with my life.  
  
I start walking to my homeroom. My psychiatrist said that I was well enough to go to school. So, here I am. In school. Yes sirree.  
  
Woah. What happened to him?  
  
I hesitantly walk up to him. His head is down and his long (for a guy) hair creates a curtain between him and the rest of the world. Okay, someone forgot their anti-depressants this morning.\  
  
"Hey. . .Chris? I'm Katherine. From Middle School? Remember?"  
  
Slowly he turns his head towards me. You can almost hear the sound of rusty hinges. He stares. And he stares. And he stares. And he stares.  
  
". . .sorry I asked. . ."  
  
"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I remember you." he pauses "Sorry. I was thinking."  
  
You think weird.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
I slowly sit in my seat and try to tune out the morbidly depressed guy behind me.  
  
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It's because he doesn't know me. He doesn't know me at all. I'm just another crazy stalker girl to him. That or he's gay. Either way, it all spelled out one thing: REJECTION.  
  
Whatever. It hurts. I want to get over him, but I can't. It's so stupid.  
  
"Hello? EARTH TO KAT!!!"  
  
Apparently I had been absentmindedly picking at my salad. For the past five minutes.  
  
". . .yes?" I reply, still very angry by the little "Chris" incident that occurred just ten minutes ago.  
  
". . .I'm bored!!!"  
  
I sigh. I know what she wants to hear.  
  
"We can go to the mall later."  
  
"YAY!!!" she squeals, being the very predictable two-dimensional character that she is.  
  
Sometimes, I could just stab myself with a barbecue fork.  
  
*  
  
I drive down the dark streets with Eve in the passenger seat. My feet hurt like hell and I'm as tired as hell, and where in God's name am I?  
  
The streets are unfamiliar to me, and there is no sound, save for the car and the light wheezing coming from the multi-cellular organism next to me. All the houses's lights are out, and the light coming from the streetlamps are dull and muted. It's like a shitty watercolor made from the most expensive paints. Don't ask me what that means, I'm just trying to be poetic.  
  
Why now? What's happening? Everything feels like a dream again. . .I'm out of touch with reality and it's all your fault.  
  
I briefly remember Mrs. Jones, the people in the white coats, and the syringes. Ah yes, the syringes.  
  
I feel so strange. . .no, not again. . .it's getting dark. . .  
  
"SNAP OUT OF IT" I mentally scream, and I do.  
  
I've got to stop having these weird semi-out of body experiences.  
  
I continue driving down the poorly lit streets, past the dark houses with their foreboding shadows, past the 7-11 owned by the immigrant who takes so much flak for being different. I drive and I drive until it occurs to me that it's 11:00 and I'm supposed to be home. Eve is still sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. I look at the clock one more time, funny, I didn't know that it could read 13. Funny.  
  
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"I know he exists! I KNOW IT!" I scream. They try to tell me otherwise, but I know.  
  
"You don't seem to understand, dear. Such things simply aren't possible. What I need you to tell me is what has caused you to change. Apparently, you were quite well-adjusted up until about three weeks ago." she kindly tells me.  
  
I don't know what to do. Why am I even here? Where was I? Where am I? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!  
  
"Maybe, if you just open up a bit, then we can find the root of the problem."  
  
Don't give me that. Don't give me that fake smile. I can't live without him. I can't.  
  
"Does life go on after the butterfly crosses the rainbow?" I ask, the ends of my mouth slightly turning up.  
  
"Ok, now you're just being stupid."  
  
Maybe. Maybe I am stupid. But this is all his fault. I can't live without him, and he is going to pay. 


	2. It's You, DIE!

Disclaimer: Do I really need to do this? You do not appear to be stupid. -_-;  
  
*  
  
Chapter 2 Prologue: A Dream Within a Dream  
  
*  
  
Two girls were leaving the ruins of a theater. The taller one had black hair that was streaked with a sanguine red. The other had her brown hair tied into two messy buns on both sides of the back of her head. Strands of stray hair randomly stuck out of the buns and made it look almost as if she had taken two mutated cabbages and pinned them to her head.  
  
"Kitty, if you hate me so much. . ." Eve began, "then why'd you save me from being squashed like a bug?"  
  
"Well, I just like to pride myself on helping those stupider than I." replied Katherine.  
  
"Oh. . .poopeys, and here I thought you liked me." pouted Eve. She then started to randomly giggle to herself while doing the Macarena.  
  
As you can see, Eve's mind tends to wander, or at least it did before it got lost. Kitty always told her it was far to little to be out on its own.  
  
*  
  
Katherine and Eve drove down the eerily empty road in silence. Suddenly, Eve screamed "STO-P!!!" and the car screeched as it was suddenly halted.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" Katherine so pleasantly inquired, but Eve's attention was evidently fixed on a certain point on the road.  
  
"Eve. . .what the bloody hell are you staring at?"  
  
"I see something. . ." she said in an almost possessed voice.  
  
"Oh gee, like what, a pig flying out of Brad Pitt's butt?!" Katherine proceeded to calmly bang her head on the steering wheel.  
  
"It's. . .SPARKLY. . .ooh. . ." Eve said as she stepped out of the car.  
  
"Come on EVE! We're going to be late!"  
  
Eve paid no attention to Katherine's words as she walked to the "sparkly" object. As she inched closer she noticed that it was. . .A RING!!! A cheap plastic ring on closer inspection, but from far away it looked so beautiful. It. . .called to her. She looked at it closely and noticed that there were strange symbols on it.  
  
"Hey Kat! This thing has writing on it!" shouted Eve, "It looks like. . .uh . . .it looks like Arabic!"  
  
"What the? Whatever, just get back in the car."  
  
Upon Eve's returning to the car, the sky darkened as storm clouds began to suddenly come in.  
  
". . .that's a really purty ring. . ." Katherine said, her eyes becoming almost dreamy. "Could I maybe just. . ."  
  
"NOOOO!!!! IT'S MY PRECIOUS!!!!"  
  
". . .for God's sake Eve, it's a frickin plastic crackerjack prize."  
  
"NOOO!!! YOU CAN NOT HAVE IT!!! IT CAME TO ME!!!"  
  
Grappling ensued, and the ring was accidentally thrown into the air. The world went into slow motion as the ring slowly fell onto Katherine's upturned middle finger (it's usually like that), spun on the the top of it, did a somersault, swam fifteen laps in the Olympics and finally fell onto her finger.  
  
Suddenly, everything around them vanished, and a giant red eyeball in a circle of fire came out of nowhere.  
  
Katherine and Eve went wide-eyed and began to scream when-  
  
SUDDENLY!  
  
The "Clear Eyes" commercial Guy comes out and says in his dull, boring, and Monotone voice, "For dry, red eyes, 'Clear Eyes is awesome." He then pulled out a Super Soaker full of the magical healing water and sprayed Sauron with it. "It removes redness, and has an ingredient to moisturize."  
  
"Wow." chimed Katherine and Eve.  
  
"AUGH!!!! MY EYE!!! IT BURNNNNSSSS!!!!" screamed Sauron, as he used his powers to turn the "Clear Eyes" guy into a crumpet.  
  
The Eye then turned to Katherine and Eve, both of whom were cowering in fear.  
  
"NO!!! PLEASE DON'T TURN ME INTO A CRUMPET!" pleaded Eve "I'LL NEVER MEET GUYS THAT WAY!!!". Eve was on the verge of tears while Katherine was repenting for all the sins she had ever committed (which of course, there were a lot of).  
  
"Oh now, no need to worry." said Sauron cheerfully in a British accent "How's about you two come in and meet the Mrs.?"  
  
"Um. . .no, really. . .it's, uh, okay." said Katherine nervously.  
  
"Oh, no, it's no trouble at all! Come inside, the Mrs. should have some tea going. We can all have crumpets! I do love crumpets. . .come to think of it, I REALLY like crumpets." Sauron telepathically picked up the crumpet that was once Ben Stein and ate it with his eye.  
  
"GOOD GOD, YOU EVIL EYE!!! I SHALL DESTROY THOU!" Katherine gathered power to her, and transformed into HE-MAN!!! "I HAVE THE POWER!!!"  
  
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*  
  
Chapter 2: It's you. . .DIE!!!!  
  
*  
  
I slowly opened my eyes as sleep left me and looked at my surroundings. Tall trees and massive ethereal stone buildings were all around me, and in the passenger seat of my car was Eve, still wheezing.  
  
"Wait. . .oh no. . .anything but this!!!" I screamed to God, or the Valar, or anyone who might have been listening.  
  
These surroundings were all too familiar, the trees, the stone buildings, the waterfalls all registered in my brain as a place that I had been before.  
  
"Holy shit, I'm either delusional, high, or I'm.I'm back." I said to the air, and my voice apparently awoke Eve.  
  
". . .OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN RAPED!!!" she screamed as she realized that she was in a car which was apparently in the middle of nowhere. When she realized that I was in the car too, she started screaming about how we were both raped.  
  
"Eve. . .Eve? Eve, just. . .shut up." I said, tired of her shrill ravings.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Flashback  
  
"Oh no, I'm lost!" I cried as I looked at my surroundings. Pushing some stray bleached hairs behind my ears, I started to cautiously look around. I couldn't see anything that was even remotely familiar to me. No people, no cars, no malls, nothing. Everything was like, so. . .naturey.  
  
"I don't know where I am, and I can be raped at any time! Tender young attractive girls like me can't be alone in the wilderness!!!" I exclaimed to myself. Feeling hopeless, I decided to sit down on a log and cry.  
  
My sobs pretty fell on deaf ears however, and being alone just made me even sadder.  
  
After a while all the crying wore me out, so I curled myself into a ball on the ground and fell asleep. Oh great, now my hair is going to get dirty too. Stupid nature.  
  
End of Flashback  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
"Kate, where are we?" Eve timidly asked, fearing the answer. I sighed, since I was pretty sure about where I was, but doubted that she would believe where SHE was. "We're in Rivendell. . ." I answered, waiting for her to pass out or something. She didn't.  
  
"Riven-dale?" she asked, again in that small and uncertain voice. "Is that, like, in Oregon?"  
  
I resisted the urge to bang my head repeatedly on the steering wheel. "No Eve, we are not in Oregon. I doubt that we're even on Earth anymore."  
  
". . .oh my GOD!!! WE'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!!"  
  
Eve started to scream incoherent ravings about alien rape, and I soon got tired of her and got out of the car. Honestly, that girl is going to cost me my hearing.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Flashback  
  
"If this is just a dream, then we'll have to say goodbye won't we?" I asked him wistfully.  
  
End of Flashback  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
I froze, suddenly realizing that being here would be a very bad thing. Not so much the being here, but that being here would mean that HE would also be here. Truth be told, I did not want to see him. Thanks to him, I lost my perception of reality and my sanity. Honestly, it sucks to fall in love with a fictional character. It sucks because that person's not real, and no matter how hard you pray and no matter how hard you wish, that person is NEVER going to be real. That person will never love you back because, gee, I don't know, maybe because he/she doesn't even EXIST?!  
  
Still, as pathetic as it may be, it's a lot healthier than falling in love with a fictional character that's no longer really all that fictional. In fact, if he lives and breathes and pretty much exists, he's not all that fictional anymore is he? That's when you should get worried and start questioning your sanity. God knows that I have.  
  
"Meow-Mix, is everything okay?"  
  
I flinched from the sheer stupidity of the nickname, but turned to face a now calm Eve. Apparently she'd somehow managed to mellow out.  
  
"Well, I guess it is in a way, but. . .actually no. This just sucks. It really sucks." I answered, leaning against the side of the car. My psychiatrist always did tell me to try and see the positive aspects of things.  
  
"So. . .could you maybe tell me where we are?" she asked again, only a lot calmer. "I mean, really, where the heck are we?"  
  
I gave her a glare for no apparent reason, I was just irritated by her little "interrogation" and I really did not want to be here, in "Rivendell". It wasn't until then that I noticed that there were actually people around us. Not so much around us, but a bit off in the distance, figures that lived within the pale stone buildings. Gross, now I'm getting all poetic. I sort of wondered if they saw us, but I just shrugged it off. At the moment I was more worried about running into "him". I was sort of expecting the little elvish people to arrest us for illegal parking though.  
  
"Hello? Earth to Katnip?" Eve asked. "You're getting that mindless zombie look again!" Yes Eve, that is a very creative way to tell me that I'm spacing out. Thank you.  
  
"Forgive me, but I was thinking. Do you do that often?"  
  
Eve was a bit surprised, but already she was formulating a witty comeback, one that would leave me on my knees.  
  
"Well. . .you're stupid."  
  
Oh yes, I certainly felt my I.Q. drop TEN whole points with that one.  
  
"But, Kitty, I can't help but feel that you're, like, not telling me the truth. So come on, where are we, and what's wrong?" she asked, this time putting her two questions together!  
  
"Well. . . I think I'll just tell you the truth then." I said. "We're in Rivendell, home of the elves who have a hair bleach shortage. Being that everyone looks like the actors who played them in the movie, we will see Liv Tyler, Hugo Weaving and some other sorry saps who wish that they could be famous." I continued, "Please remember to keep your hands to yourself, and do not feed or pet the elves because they will be bite."  
  
Eve was still confused.  
  
"Didn't you read or watch 'The Lord of the Rings?!" I exclaimed.  
  
"No. . .I'm not into that fantasy stuff. I did read the Hobbit in fifth grade though." she answered.  
  
"You know what, forget it. Just get in the car." I commanded Eve, who looked even more confused than she did about two minutes ago.  
  
If anything, I just had to get away.  
  
"But, where are we going?" she asked me, as I opened the car door.  
  
"Disneyland." I lied.  
  
"Ooh! Disneyland!? YAY!!!" she squealed as she got into the car.  
  
I was about to get in the car myself when I saw something move in the corner of my eye. As a reflex I sharply looked behind me to see what it was. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just ignored it. I should have just driven away. I shouldn't have looked, but I did.  
  
I walked away from the car, slowly making my way toward him, he saw me but he didn't recognize me until we were a stone's throw from each other. I should have thrown a stone, or a boulder, or something that would cause grievous harm.  
  
"It's you."I managed to say.  
  
I stopped when I was right in front of him; he was a bit shorter than I remembered.  
  
He didn't say anything. He was always good at that, not saying anything. He looked at me with utter disbelief.  
  
"Katherine." he said, yes, that is my name, I think.  
  
There was so much I wanted to say to him before, so much that I wanted to do. Now I could hardly remember anything.  
  
I lifted my hands so that I could touch his face, then trailed then down until my hands reached the base of his neck. I rested them there, and felt the warm skin that was under my fingers. He didn't move, probably waiting for me to do something.  
  
So I did.  
  
I started to choke the life out of the stupid jerk.  
  
"LEGOLAS! YOU FILTHY BASTARD ! ! ! ! !"  
  
To Be Continued  
  
***********************  
  
Author's Note: Macarena. . . 


	3. A Severe Case of Deja Vu

Author's Note: Okay, in case you haven't noticed by now, this story switches from past to present. The past is a seriously contrived typical Mary-Sue, and the present is the reality of the aftermath of such an unhealthy relationship. It's a bit confusing, but remember that 3 * * * means swirly-flashback time, and one or two just mean I'm digressing or something. Wow! I've finally updated! Sorry about the wait. Ah yes, and the prologues don't really mean anything. They're just random shit or dream sequences that Katherine has. Carry on.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Chapter 3 Prologue: From Which I Can't Wake Up  
  
*  
  
I slowly made my way to where Galadriel was standing, next to her was a dishy-saucer thing that was filled with water. She looked at me with her emotionless grey blue eyes.  
  
"A long time ago, I had a beautiful baby daughter." she said.  
  
"That's very nice." I answered, feeling very awkward.  
  
"I imagine that she would have turned out like you. . ."  
  
I didn't know how to exactly respond to something like that. It was a compliment at best, and a totally freaky off-subject comment at worst.  
  
She didn't really seem to mind however, and she motioned to the dish/saucer/birdbath. I looked at it, then looked at her, then looked at it again.  
  
". . .am I supposed to wash my face or something?" I asked, totally confused.  
  
She sighed, probably because my ignorance wearied her.  
  
"Many things I can command the Mirror to reveal", she said, "and to some I can show what they desire to see. But the Mirror may also-blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."  
  
"Would you like to see?" she finally asked me.  
  
I hesitated, then nodded my head yes and leaned over to look into the "Mirror".  
  
I first saw my parents back home, smiling and showing me off at my first birthday. The vision then changed to show my arrival to Middle Earth; me looking around like a lost tourist in a foreign country. Then there were random images of the Fellowship's journey with me tagging along like an eager puppy.  
  
Suddenly, all the familiar images changed into a scene that I had never witnessed before.  
  
*  
  
Galadriel and Celeborn are looking for something.  
  
Galadriel: You IDIOT! How could you lose the baby?! (looks under some sofa cushions)  
  
Celeborn: Well, I did find fifteen cents. (outstretches arm to show her)  
  
Galadriel looks at him annoyed.  
  
Galadriel: (shrugs) Oh well, we can always have more. (pockets the fifteen cents)  
  
*  
  
Then the Mirror faded, and I looked up at Galadriel.  
  
"You. . .you're my real mother aren't you. . .?" I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. My life had been a lie all this time.  
  
Galadriel started laughing hysterically.  
  
"Hell NO! You're just a filthy human bugger! I just wanted to mess wit yo mind foo!!!"  
  
She suddenly rips off her clothes to reveal some ghetto-fabulous threads and Celeborn suddenly drives in with his pimped out Cadillac.  
  
Cel-Z takes a puff from his cigar then slowly puts it down.  
  
"Damn bitch, you'z da finest."  
  
"I like death-metal." I add.  
  
*  
  
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*  
  
*  
  
Chapter 3: A Severe Case of Déjà vu  
  
"YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID JERK!" I scream, repeatedly bashing Legolas's head into the hard ground, my hands still strangling the life out of him.  
  
His hands suddenly pull mine away from his much abused neck, and the two of us start grappling on the ground.  
  
By now a whole bunch of elves had gathered to watch the spectacle, and for a second I saw (amidst all the tossing and flailing) a small gaggle of preteen elves who were on the brink of tears. Haha.  
  
A few years ago (supposing that anything really happened and that I'm not completely daft), Legolas could have easily pinned me to the ground (and then would proceed to tear my clothes off), but I've been working out. Maybe it was for this moment, who knows.  
  
Still, he's been working out a LOT longer than I have.  
  
"What in the Valar's name is wrong with you?!" he gasped, apparently still catching his breath after the little choking incident. It was painful having him practically sit on me, but I still managed to glare and glare and glare at him.  
  
"You want to know what's wrong Leggy?" I asked, trying to make eye contact while simultaneously avoiding looking into his eyes. "You want the truth? Well you know what? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!"  
  
A loud clonk was heard in Rivendell, and Legolas was knocked out cold: a head butt to the. . . well. . .head. I hit him more than a little harder than I meant to.  
  
I'm starting to see dots; damn, I hit him hard enough to knock both of us out.  
  
There was a general silence as everyone just stood there in shock. Eve was just as shocked as anyone, though she looked as though she was more shocked by the fact that everyone had pointy ears then by my knocking out a prince.  
  
Everything's getting blurry. I hear voices and a general movement in the blurs. I think I recognize some of the voices, but it's all getting murky.  
  
Stupid mild concussion. I need an aspirin.  
  
*  
  
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Katherine heard footsteps behind her and she quickly spun around, startled.  
  
What she saw she would describe in five words: "Major Hottie. . . who eats mangoes."  
  
The tall man had long blond hair ("ok, so it's a little girly, but he's sooo hot!") and piercing blue eyes. He also had really pointy ears.  
  
"Heehee. Pointy. Freak." she thought to herself.  
  
"Are you alright my lady?" he asked "Are you lost?"  
  
"Well, yes, I seem to have lost my way, and I'm so scared!" she softly cried, the gravity of her situation dawning on her.  
  
Legolas could easily tell that this was a beautiful, smart, kind, witty, charismatic, charitable, well-mannered, patient, generous, well-bred, intellectual, feminine but not too feminine, patient, calm, animal-loving, talented, athletic, humble and downright charming young woman who could definitely be seen marching around with a picket sign advocating feminism. He also knew that he had no idea what a picket sign or feminism was.  
  
Katherine was sad, but she also couldn't help but feel strangely attracted to this man whom she'd met just two minutes ago. Deep down, she knew that this attraction had nothing to do with the fact that he was tall, young, handsome, had great teeth, a sexy British accent, a killer body, and piercing blue eyes. No, it was definitely something else.  
  
"Well, a beautiful maiden like yourself should not be wandering around a forest without at least an escort." he said politely, noticing that the girl was blushing. "If you'd like, I could escort you back to Rivendell."  
  
"Rivendell. That sounds so familiar." she thought "Maybe they have a payphone there".  
  
Now, normally, Katherine didn't go anywhere with strange men that she'd just met, but she decided to put all her faith into this total stranger. He was, after all, quite cute, and the TV told her that beautiful people are always good people.  
  
"Thank you, I'd like that very much." she replied, her spirits lifting.  
  
Legolas offered her arm to Katherine, and she shyly accepted it.  
  
"What is your name, beautiful maiden for you intrigue me so." (A/N: gag)  
  
"Katherine. My name is Katherine Demeo. What's yours?"  
  
"Legolas Greenleaf, my lady."  
  
The two walked through the woods in silence, both pondering over the stupidity of the other's name.  
  
*  
  
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*  
  
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I slowly opened my eyes, my mind very groggy. I was on a bed. A very soft bed. One with white sheets.  
  
Suddenly startled, I shot out of the bed and got into a defensive stance on the floor. The room was semi-circularish and mostly everything was white. One far end of the room led out into a huge balcony with a beautiful view. God, I feel like a friggin realtor.  
  
I slowly got up from the floor and started to look around the room. Next to the bed was a dresser, which I gingerly opened before haphazardly throwing its contents around the room. Dresses, dresses, dresses, and-oh look-more dresses. All quite pretty, and, more likely than not, very expensive.  
  
Moving past the dresser and the new pile of poorly treated haute couture, I started looking through what appeared to be a little vanity. Only, instead of lots of make-up, there was a mountain of hair-products, a wide assortment of brushes, and a small vat of anti-aging cream (the secret beauty-product of the elves!). I picked up some of the hair products, but noted that most of them had only elfy-language (whatever you call it) written on them. One of them was written in English (COINCIDENTALLY the language of most people on Middle Earth), but put it down when I noticed that it said "Tested on Hobbits" in extremely fine print. Despite the language barrier, I was very tempted to try some of them; until I remembered that I had broken out into huge hives the last time I tried them.  
  
I took a quick glance at my reflection, noting that I had acquired a bump on my head roughly the size of a baseball, then moved on to the rest of the room.  
  
*  
  
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*  
  
Legolas's POV (gasp)  
  
That stupid bitch.  
  
I swear, after all I've been through, worrying about what might have happened to her, the first thing she does when she sees me is an attempt on my life.  
  
After all I'd been through. . .  
  
Shaking my head, I briskly walked to where her room was. My head wasn't throbbing as much as before; the pain had gone down to that of my head being cracked open with a baseball bat.  
  
She'd better tell me what the bloody hell is going on.  
  
*  
  
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*  
  
Back to Kitty's POV  
  
With a sigh of some kind of emotion that I can't really describe, I flopped back onto the huge bed, the sheets cinematically floating down around me.  
  
No doubt about it, this is definitely my room, and, no doubt about it, this is not some weird drug-induced hallucination.  
  
It's kind of weird, how the elves somehow had a room with clothes that fit me perfectly and a whole mess of other stuff just waiting for me. One would half expect a sign outside that says "Welcome to Rivendell-Eternal Vacancy w/ rooms almost freakishly customized for YOUR personal needs at all conceivable times!"  
  
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The elves at Rivendell gave Katherine an amazing room that was fully furnished and had a great view of the waterfall. They also gave her an entire wardrobe of beautifully embroidered and ridiculously expensive dresses that miraculously fit her perfectly. All of this hospitality for a complete and utter stranger, a human no less. Not even just a human, but a human with a VAGINA! You see, Middle Earth wasn't exactly well known for its hospitality and equality between the sexes. This was due to the fact that there were always weird little buggers scurrying around, and that they were so far back in time that their idea of a toilet was a hole in the ground. Still, she was with Legolas, so they (being everyone) didn't exactly have much room to protest. Even Middle Earth gives recognition to celebrity.  
  
"Woah, this place is so weird!" thought Katherine as she followed the lady with pointy ears (apparently a maid) to her room.  
  
"Maybe the very fabric of reality was ripped to shreds, making it so that I was pulled into an alternate dimension where a group of furry footed midgets joined by more freaks must band together and destroy a ring which is the only way to kill an evil being whose only goal in life is to take over this world! ! !" she thought in one extremely long run-on sentence.  
  
But then, such things only happen in books, movies, and really stupid fanfiction written by insanely horny preteens, so she shrugged it off and kept on following the pointy eared pretty lady.  
  
Alayanarwieniananana, the "pointy eared pretty lady", was wondering why Legolas (who was a PRINCE for the Valar's sake) would go around picking up dirty little human girls wandering around the woods. Especially ones who go around dressed like men. (i.e. pants). And so Katherine silently followed Alayanarwieniananana, the former wondering where "Leggy-Lasso's" room was, and the latter going on and on over Katherine's flaws in her mind. In fact, she would not be the last. Katherine's very presence and the circumstances surrounding it were more likely than not to ignite criticism, skepticism, intense jealousy, and death threats. Partially from random members in the elf community, but mostly from angry preteen elf girls.  
  
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Bored from the obvious lack of entertainment in my room (i.e. no TV), I got up and tried to open the door but found it locked. Those damn paranoid elves had locked me in! I tried to open the door via jimmying the lock then by hitting it with a chair, but the damn thing wouldn't freaking open! Annoyed, I looked around the room for some other blunt object that I could hit the door with.  
  
That's when the previously mentioned "beautiful view" sparked an idea in my brain.  
  
*  
  
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*  
  
Legolas's POV (again, that sexy bitch)  
  
Taking the key from the long chain that hung around my neck (apparently the Rivendell elves thought that it would be best if I acted as prison warden for my significant other), I unlocked the door to her room and barely opened it.  
  
Taking a careful peek through very small opening, I looked inside to find it very empty.  
  
I cautiously went inside wondering if it was a trick, and noticed that a makeshift rope had been tied to one of the bed's posts.  
  
Following the rope from the bed to the balcony, I peered over the balcony's railing and saw, to my utter annoyance, Katherine going into one of the buildings. Apparently the elves that had locked her in her room had forgotten that there was a rather huge escape route that was left unattended, and that anyone with an intelligence level higher than that of Lembas could easily escape.  
  
Perhaps I should have stayed in Mirkwood after all.  
  
*  
  
To be continued. 


End file.
